Help me revise this essay for my 9th grade LA class?

Can anyone help edit/critique/make suggestions for this essay? It's an assignment we have had a week to finish (it's due tomorrow), and is for my 9th grade LA class. This is, by far, some of the worst writing I've done in a while, partially because summer drained my talent and lowered my IQ. The assignment was to choose a photo, representing an important memory, and write an essay on it. Since i'm experiencing major writer's block, and rushed - especially towards the end, critique (HELPFUL critique/ADVICE) would be more than welcome. This is a rough draft. At this point, it's mainly in the form of ramblings and thoughts in the form they came out of my head it, with a small bit of editing in the first few paragraphs.

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2 Responses to “Help me revise this essay for my 9th grade LA class?”

  1. gulleys says:

    No offence but it is desperately dull and a little bit over descriptive. I would try to develop the narrative character more so that the reader has something to relate to, it says absolutely nothing about who you are, give it some personality, you’ve obviously got plenty of it!

  2. ogival says:

    haha freshie!