What do you think of my UC Essay for Prompt 1?

Ignore grammar/spelling, I just wrote it 15 minutes ago so it's a very rough draft. REALLY appreciate answers! Thank you guys so much! #1 Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, communityor school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreamsand aspirations.Right now, as I was sleeping, my mother crept into into my room to wake me up to show me something. I immediately grumbled that I didn’t have time, that I had to be working on either my college stuff or my homework. She insisted, holding my glasses hostage. She brought me outside into the front yard, my hair mussed up and my eyes blinking, unfocused, to show me the most beautiful full moon I have ever seen in my life. I nodded sleepily, going back inside immediately, but she caught my arm."Stop and smell this rose." "I have to go…" "Just smell it." I grudgingly went up to it and sniffed the flower, pulling back a little with passive interest. "It’s great," I mumbled, and as I turned away again she said, "now this one." I sighed and complied, finally tearing myself away to go in my room. She stayed outside a little more to look at the sky.As I returned to my room, my senses slowly started to pour back into me. Feeling flowed into my fingertips, sight made its way up into my eyes, and I grabbed a soda to help my mouth out. As I sat down, I really started thinking about what just happened. People always say, "Stop and smell the roses," but as much as people revere the proverb, the actual act is rarely done. Ever since I’ve entered high school, it’s been a lot of work for me. Even the extracurricular activities, which I enjoy, especially Comedy Sportz, sometimes seem forced, like the only purpose is to put them into a college application. My parents, both being immigrants, came to America with a different culture, along with wishes to explore and appreciate a whole new land. They have always tried to instill this vibe in me, and I am starting to finally realize why. Step by step, I am breaking away from the throes of pubescence to notice that my life isn’t all about making money or being famous. I want to do my part in the world to make people recognize the beauty of life. I can’t be Superman; I can’t physically pry people’s eyes open with a pair of pliers and roar in their faces about how pretty the roses are (I’m not sure on how many accounts Superman has done this.) But I can do my best to try and lend a hand to people who are bogged down in their lives with work, whether it be through words, art, or even boxing. I want to make somebody think (even if it’s just one person) just like my mother made me think, and I plan to make a bunch of friends join in watching a full moon next time.

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One Response to “What do you think of my UC Essay for Prompt 1?”

  1. newmanp says:

    i like the idea and like how you included a story to back up your thoughts. however, i do think the beginning is a little too long (wordy). maybe you could cut down on the sentences to make it more concise. also, i don’t really understand how ‘smelling the roses’ is exactly relevent to “describing the world you come from and how it has shaped your dreams and aspirations”so your dream is to help people see the beauty in life… but you don’t really expand more on this. i suggest talking about a dream job or something you would like to become in specific that will help you help others see the importance of life and enjoying their time on earthalso, i don’t think mentioning/implying comedy sportz was a “forced” activity… it’s a bit of a negative connotation. try rewording it to fit the same idea but in a more positive lighthope i helped :]