Does this essay for English sound good to you?

In my English class I was given an essay question: What are some of the bad things in life and how do they make you feel? How can you look past them into the beauty of the world?This is my essay: Sometimes life seems like it has no meaning and no beauty. That all it has to offer are horrible things: drugs, crime, war, death, illness, pollution, littering, global warming, hunger, thirst, depression, addiction, anger, hatred. When I think of these things I feel like this isn't the world that I want to live in. That we, the people, deserve better.      The thing is though, for all those not so happy words I listed, I can think of a hundred happy words to replace it. I feel that if we look past life's bad points, that if once we can just forget about what Pakistan is planning to do to the USA, if we can forget about the crime in the streets, the litter on the ground, the natural disasters that happen everyday, we will be looking at a beautiful world. A world filled with happiness and laughter, with smiles and love, with hugs and kisses.      If we could just look past the ugliness everyone has to face, ignore the pain and the weight life puts on our shoulders, then we can all be happy. Any changes you would make? How does this sound? It's not due til Thursday so I have another day to work on it...I'm in eight grade if that makes a difference

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2 Responses to “Does this essay for English sound good to you?”

  1. trever says:

    okay, it’s pretty good! I just have a few comments:P- that list of “horrible things” is WAY too long… I would shorten it to a few of the more important ones. Imagine how you’d actually say the speech… would you really take 30 seconds simply listing a few points when an intelligent audience should already understand your point? nope! Just use at most 5 of those words (some are pretty repetitive, anyways:P)- don’t use the word “happy.” instead, you can use “vivacious,” or “pertinent, ” for examples.- Don’t say “that if once we can just forget about what Pakistan is planning to do to the USA….” That may be a bit offensive to some people, and too direct. However, you can insert “for example” to make it better. “That if we can just, for example, forget about what Pakistan is planning to do to the USA.”otherwise, i think your speech is great! good luck! (:

  2. vicinities says:

    too much examples maybe you should ask an question in the begin and add a quote also your diction could use some improvement