Is this a good essay I wrote? can someone comment please?

I'm planning ahead for my entrance project for FIDM (I'm applying for there Graphic Design major). I still have a year before I graduate, but I really want to do well on this and take my time. And I feel like I need a better closing line to my essay then the line I have on my second paragraph. Or do you think that's fine as a closing statement? I have to describe an imaginary store or a real store, and the typical customer that would shop their. And I have to also describe the:-Age range-Gender-Income range-Lifestyle-Values and Viewpoints-Marital Status-Educationso I think I pretty much covered everything, but I'm really concerned about the closing line. I feel like I need to add something else to it and I don't know what that something is. So if someone could help me with that, it'd be great :) Anyways please tell me what you think about it. A typical girl that would be shopping at my store would be in her late teens to early twenties. As she probably goes to school, and she would most likely only work part-time and make around $6,000-$8,000. So the store would have great clothes and accessories, along with swim wear for great and reasonable prices. She's a single, fun and out-going type of personality who loves to be casual and conservative. Yet, she's girly and loves to have the greatest deals and prices with the incoming trends. In the store itself, white porcelain tile on the walls and on the front counter would accent color's of pink on the store's shelves' as well. Also there would be display windows in the front, showing the new clothes in the store. My store would be, casual and girly. But with great, reasonable prices that anyone can shop at.

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2 Responses to “Is this a good essay I wrote? can someone comment please?”

  1. underkeeper says:

    Well that would probably be a B- in my school. They usually expect big paragraphs (yours is short to me) but I don’t know your expectations. The paragraph is great apart from the part that you always say “my store would be …”. Try using more descriptive vocab and make sure to always paint pictures in the readers’ minds. An idea would to have the last sentence be “This would be my store.” This is how I would start it:Through the doors before the
    colored counters lays a girl looking in her late teens to early twenties.This isn’t a narrative though so because its an essay, I think it’s great the way it is although you could fix up some spelling and grammar mistakes.

  2. jimpness says:

    It isn’t that good, but also isn’t bad either